Month: September 2018

If you’re a documentary junkie like me, you may want to watch a new HBO documentary that the Cupids at our Des Moines Midwest Matchmaking office found riveting. “Swiped: Hooking Up in the Digital Age” gave us even more validation that Midwest dating companies like ours exist specifically because of the issues discussed throughout the film.

The film interviewed the founders and CEOs of several online dating companies, including Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, and also interviewed their users in detail about their overall experiences using these platforms.

“A majority of the men are looking to hook up, and a majority of the women are looking for a relationship”, according to Hinge Founder and CEO, Justin McLeod. “Men and women taken as groups do take the purpose of apps differently. You can say that isn’t so different from society at large, but the way these apps are designed does tip the scale and culture to hook ups, and gives those looking only for hook ups the upper hand.”

One 20-something female user said, “Be up front in the beginning about what you’re looking for. If you’re not clear with what you want, you’re not going to get what you want.”

There is also a diversity issue prevalent on many apps. “Bree” is a young African American woman from a  small town in the Midwest. She used every dating app made for heterosexual people, but she has found that many of the men she matches with online are overly sexualized, not looking for anything but that night hook up, and that most people are looking for thin, white women. “Here’s how you get treated as a black woman on a dating site,” she says: “‘Hey, I don’t want to mess with you because you’re black, or ‘I’ve never ****ed a black woman before, you’re so exotic”’, as though they’re trying to fill a sexual quota.

“I feel I can’t be myself or want to let them in to who I really am because I don’t know them or trust them, I don’t want my emotions played with or crushed.”

One of Bree’s friends, another young, African American female, says men are way more harsh than they ever were, too, according to the documentary. “They don’t want any woman who isn’t white or isn’t chubby They expect a perfect 10 even though they themselves aren’t even close to that. Once they see the natural you, they’re not attracted to you anymore. Its like a catalog for them – they can just go through possibilities – they’re not even looking for a real person at that point.”

One 30-something guy feels like most of the women he’s matched with on Tinder, are just using him as a rebound, or looking for a bigger better deal.

This is precisely where dating in the Midwest by hiring a local matchmaker can really be beneficial to your safety, your time, and your emotional resources. By hiring a Midwest matchmaker, you are essentially hiring an agent to do all of the screening and legwork for you – something dating apps just don’t do. Above all, and most importantly, outsourcing your dating life to a matchmaker in the Midwest, keeps you safer. And who would possibly be opposed to that?

What’s more, these apps actually feed into sexual compulsive/sexual addiction behavior, says Puja Hall, Founder and Director of New York Center for Sexuality and Sex Addiction Treatment. “This is because of the accessibility of so many partners at any given moment. This is about the high, not the pleasure. Pleasure is about connecting with yourself and involves real connection with yourself and another – these people do not have that ability and the dating apps only exacerbate the disease.”

Also, these apps include all of the elements of a game – like a slot machine; ringing bells, flashing lights, “rewards” and so forth. So, when you match with someone, this feeds into our psychology of being rewarded or “winning”. It becomes addictive. This is definitely intentional from the developers. Unpredictable yet frequent rewards is the best way to motivate someone to keep going…to continue using.

One 20-something Caucasian user says with casual sex, there is no time to establish chemistry. “You have this sex where they don’t know what you like and vice versa. It’s awkward and impersonal. Not fun.”

One male user put this experience into educated, economic terms: “If you have a surplus of options, the value goes down. This keeps you wanting to consume – swiping and swiping.”

Consider this conflicting statistic: 80% of Tinder users claim they are looking for a serious relationship, but a Hinge stat states that 81% of users have never found a long-term relationship on any swiping app.

This confirmed what we already know: hiring a local Midwest matchmaker is by far, the best use of your time, money, energy and relationship goals.

In our work as professional matchmakers, we can definitely understand the first date jitters. All the work that has brought you to this point – coaching you through the many ways you can best represent who you are and what’s important to you – has led to this moment.

As much as we’d like, as dating matchmakers, we can’t tag along on the first date and help you keep the conversation flowing (and you really wouldn’t want us to!).

So, what do you talk about with someone you’re meeting for the first time? Along with the internal dialog you have running in your head, you’ve got a lot going on trying to be yourself, remain engaged and seem interesting.

We are here to tell you that you are all of those things and more. And, any professional relationship coach worth their salt will prepare you for this moment. That’s what we do at Midwest Matchmaking!

Here are a few conversation techniques that we’ve suggested our previous Des Moines matchmaking clients use. Given our success at making Midwest love connections, we’re pretty sure they work, and they can work for you, too.

1. Avoid “yes” or “no” questions.

Ask something of your date that requires more than a one-word answer so you can get a little more insight into who they are as a person. “That is such an interesting tie! Where did you get it?” requires an answer beyond the mere “thanks.”

2. Comment on his or her appearance.

Everyone feels more comfortable when he or she know you see them and appreciate what you see. “Your necklace is really gorgeous” or “I really like your hair styled that way” can put someone at ease. Knowing you accept the other person for who they are is a significant first step.

3. Accept the compliment.

All too often we are programmed to deflect the compliments we do receive. “Oh, this old thing? It’s nothing,” or, “I don’t really like this tie, I just wore it because it matches the shirt,” doesn’t take the conversation anywhere. Say “thank you” and ask a question in return to keep the dialogue going. “Thanks! I got this tie on my last vacation. Did you take a vacation this year? Do you like to travel?”

4. Be upfront.

There is nothing wrong with expressing that you’re a little tense in this new situation. You can bet the other person is feeling the same nervous dating jitters, and this shared emotion can give you a way to connect immediately. Being open and honest is always a good idea.

5. Have some questions in your back pocket.

Without being too scripted, it never hurts to have a few “icebreaker” questions you can pull out if the conversation stalls and you need them. To get some ideas, check out a fun book, If: Questions for the Game of Life, where you can find all sorts of thought-provoking questions for discussion. For example, “If you could have dinner with anyone in history (living or dead) who would that be and why?” It can definitely fill some awkward silences and who knows where these conversations might lead!

It goes without saying that trying to relax and have a good time should be priority number one with preparing for a first date. Without having to focus so intently on what to say and what not to say, we predict things will go just swell. It’s what Midwest Matchmakers has prepared you to do. No sweat.

Dating conversations got you tongue-tied? Let Midwest Matchmaking help prepare you for first date success. Call us today at (833) 4MW-LOVE.

It’s hard to believe we are in the second half of the year already and that signals the beginning of holiday celebrations, seasonal gatherings and places where, frankly, you’d rather not show up as your best friend and his date’s third wheel or even worse, alone.

Now is the time to let Midwest Matchmaking provide the relationship advice and online dating support that could lead to you enjoying the holiday events with a partner by your side.

With the holidays just around the corner, now is the time to find someone to share them

We don’t have to tell you how hard it is to meet someone new in Des Moines current singles environment. Chances are, you’ve already frequented the usual places where singles mingle to make new connections: the bar scene, a trendy supermarket, a coffee bar; or, you’ve tried one of those swipe-left (or right) online dating websites or dating phone apps. While these work for some, they definitely aren’t the answer for many of us seeking to find our “other halves.”

If being a “barfly” isn’t your thing or if the thought of using an online dating services makes your head throb, that doesn’t mean you have to give up on the hope of meeting that special someone. It just means you’ll have to look outside of the typical and be willing to try some unconventional ways to meet others and build relationships. For example:

1. Join a Book Club

As the days turn colder, there are several good reasons to sign up for evenings by the fire reading a great novel.

For the meetings, you will need to bring a good attitude and a willingness to participate in discussions. You’ll get to know others’ perspectives in a new way and even broaden your literary prowess at the same time!

2. Find a Sports Club or Running Group

If reading is too tame for your tastes, look into local intramural sports teams or join a running club. You’ll not only meet all sorts of new people who enjoy an active lifestyle, but you’ll keep your Fitbit happy at the same time and look good and smashing in your holiday best.

3. Volunteer

Explore something you’re passionate about and give away your time to support a great cause. In doing so, you can’t help but meet others who share similar interests.

During the holiday season, you’ll find numerous organizations requesting help, and you’ll have the opportunity to meet a lot of great people in the process.

4. Visit the theatre (or the museum, or a gallery!)

In Des Moines, there are so many places you could go to meet others you might not find hanging with the typical bar crowd.

If you have an affection for art, stop by the museum and spend time perusing. Do you love live performances? Buy yourself a ticket and enjoy a show.

If you are doing something you love, chances are there are others there doing exactly the same thing. There are many holiday activities to select from this time of the year.

5. Have a neighborhood gathering

How well do you know your neighbors? Invite them over for an ugly sweater party or meet to decorate a neighborhood tree for the holidays. Provide hot chocolate and conversation. You never know who has a single family member who is a great catch looking for their life partner.

6. Change up your routine

If you have visited the same coffee shop every morning for the past year, maybe it’s time to try another coffee shop? Always eat lunch at the same bistro?

Get out of your comfort zone and try something different to maximize your chances of meeting someone new. With everyone out holiday shopping, who knows who you might accidentally bump into you while you’re changing aisles!

7. Attend seasonal community events

Get out there and enjoy the many community events in Des Moines. From large-scale events to small-town festivals and more, it’s fun, and there are new faces everywhere you look. View the current possibilities with a simple Google search at your convenience.

8. Expand your work network

As dating matchmaker professionals, we realize you may not want to connect on a personal level with an actual coworker, but have you considered the many professional organizations in your line of work you might explore?

Find a local chapter meeting and stop by. During the holidays, the recruitment of new members is typically on the agenda so making small talk might be easier than you ever imagined.

9. Get out and see the lights

This can be difficult to do alone, but what better way to enjoy the season and expand your horizons. Take a tour on one of the buses that offer holiday lighting display routes in a nearby town. They often stop for refreshments at local establishments, and the whole trip becomes a close-niched group. You never know who might be single and feels like making a connection with a great catch like you.

10. Contact a Professional

This one is perhaps the most obvious, but for some the hardest step to take. Sometimes you need to reach out to a professional matchmaking service to help find the focus you need to identify exactly what you are looking for in a partner.

Armed with coaching and professional assistance, you’ll improve your odds of making that special match, all while loving the entire process and journey of being single to happily ever after.

Ready to find your perfect match before the holiday dating scene leaves you behind? Contact Midwest Matchmaking today at (833) 4MW-LOVE.