Month: January 2019

We’ve all been there, and our Des Moines matchmakers hear it all the time from our local singles at Midwest Matchmaking: They met someone for drinks. Their date didn’t make you run for the plains, but they didn’t give you that “feeling” either. Perhaps you spent the hour a little ambivalent. Maybe you couldn’t stand her laugh. Or, you couldn’t stop imagining how he would look with a full head of hair.

So, the big question: should you give this person you just had a mediocre date with a second shot to grow on you? Is a poor (or blaze) first impression an indication of whether this person is a good fit for you, or not?

Below, Midwest Matchmaking’s dating advice straight from our Des Moines matchmakers, who have more than 40 years of combined experience, regarding whether or not to give your love connection a real chance:

#1. Did you feel concerned with your safety, or feel judged?

This is an easy one to knock off of your list: At any point on your date with this person, did you ever feel intimidated, belittled, judged, or unsafe? If so, then that is a stark indication that you absolutely should not consider a second date. Other no-gos: dating someone who has an addiction (and is not in recovery), or anyone you catch being dishonest.

#2. Were you bored during your date?

Most Des Moines singles anticipate dating being a fun experience, so obviously when your first date leaves you feeling “meh” about it, that can definitely be a downer. This does NOT however, mean that that your date is actually boring. An unexciting evening can be the result of first-meeting-jitters, tiredness or even unfamiliarity most local singles feel when meeting someone new. For that matter, feelings like those can stem from something going on entirely in your world or head-space and not reflect anything at all about the person you just met. If the worst thing you can say about your time together is that you didn’t feel intense interest, excitement or connection, you might be surprised to find yourself feeling differently after getting to know each other better. Des Moines matchmakers know best, so get back out there and give the poor guy or gal another chance to shine!

#3. Did your interest change for the positive, even slightly, during your date?

If you felt yourself warming even the slightest toward your date after an hour or two, would the trend continue through a second, third or fourth date? It may well be worth the time to find out. After all, if your goal is to arrive at true love, you don’t need to get there an hour after you leave your house. Relax, and enjoy the journey!

#4. Defer to your Relationship Checklist.

You’ve made your lists…time to check it thrice. This means, your Requirements and your Deal Breakers in a future partner. Let’s say for example, the person across from you met one of five items on your Requirements list, but the other four were either missing or inconclusive. Does that mean you should count out another date? Absolutely not! Midwest Matchmaking suggests that even one “must-have” element could signal that a second date is in order. Remember, a second date is not a lifetime commitment. It’s not even a relationship yet. A second date simply means you’re still figuring out who this person is.

The other list to check is your deal-breakers. While there are good reasons to give yourself time — and that means more than a quick coffee date — to get to know someone, there’s no need to explore possibilities with someone who said off the bat they never want to get married (but you do).

#5. Yes, chemistry can develop over time.

It’s possible that you’re not sure about a second date because the chemistry wasn’t off the charts, as you’re used to seeing in movies and hearing about in love ballads from the latest pop singer. But there’s no reason to deny your Des Moines date only because you didn’t feel instant chemistry. For one thing, chemistry isn’t always immediate. It can develop over time, or even kick in unexpectedly as emotional intimacy is established. 

Plus, chemistry has its pros and cons. Once it kicks in (especially in the early stages) it can be all consuming, to the point of making “thinking clearly” impossible. And while that “love at first-sight” feeling is exciting and new, delayed chemistry is actually statistically more sustainable. It may allow you to take time getting to know someone, establishing a more solid foundation for true love, which means better chemistry down the line.

Are your first date expectations too high? Perhaps our Des Moines matchmakers can tell you!

Contact Midwest Matchmaking today at www.midwestmatchmaking.com and let us help you get past your first date, and to the altar. 

Entering into a new Midwest Matchmaking connection so close to the holiday of love can feel a little awkward, since you’re likely still in the in-between stages of defining your relationship. Gift-giving is stressful enough without wondering what your status is, but it can also feel confusing since you want to express your interest in them, but not go overboard.

For those of you who are at the point of frantically scouring websites wracking your brain for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for your new love connection, just remember that a little creativity goes a long way. For newer couples, the best Valentine’s Day gift-buying strategy is to keep your significant other’s interests in mind, while not going over the top.

Des Moines matchmakers recommend that if you’ve been dating for three months or less, then spending too much can come off as a bit creepy. Instead, try to be creative and personal in your gift, and they will be more impressed with the time and effort involved, rather than the price tag.

Below, are Midwest Matchmaking’s top 7 gift ideas for Valentine’s Day, straight from the Love Toolbox of our experienced Des Moines matchmakers:

#1. Buying ingredients for his/her favorite dish, and cooking it together

There is something very comforting, warm and personal about shopping together, especially if you know you’re headed back to a cozy atmosphere to cook side-by-side. Since ambiance will be a major factor in this romantic evening, it’s easy to manage that with some candles, a nice bottle of wine, and some music playing in the background. 

#2. Take a couples’ cooking class

If you are not handy in the kitchen, then do the next best thing and sign yourselves both up for a couple’s cooking class in the city. You can even take a course that involves your significant other’s favorite cuisine (Mexican, Thai, Italian, etc.). These can run on the pricey side, but our Des Moines matchmakers advise that the money is well worth it.

#3. Plan a sexy scavenger Hunt

This idea is for the bold, creative types with a lot of energy, but this typically involves a starting point, where your other half then follows a series of written clues and collects items at each point. You can make it as creative as you’d like, with a small gift at each clue point, or using a small gift as the hint for the next location. Google some ideas if you’re new at the scavenger hunt idea, but keep in mind how adventurous your significant other is before deciding on this idea. These can be as crazy or as far-far-fetched as you make it.

#4. Tickets to their favorite concert

Assuming you’ve both discussed your musical tastes, it’s always a good idea to check your local venues for affordable concerts that you can treat your SO to. It might not be financially feasible to get them floor seats to the next Lady Gaga concert, but checking out a lesser known local band is a good way to experience something new and fun together. Who knows? You may discover an artist you’re both super into!

#5. A chocolate or wine subscription 

If you want to give your better half something sweet, skip the drugstore chocolates and go for something a little more classy. There are a few subscription services that send a variety of gourmet chocolates or even wines, each month. What’s great about this, is that the two of you can try them out together, which creates a new experience for both of you, and some conversation fodder. If wine or chocolates aren’t your SO’s thing, then  research some other subscription services they might enjoy, such as a magazine, a food delivery service or a craft brew subscription!

#6. Taking her to a pottery painting class, or succulent-making class

For the artsy couples out there, a crafty date idea is always a great bet. There are so many options out there now, that anyone can find something they’d be interested in, even if art is not your thing typically. Plus, a little competition can be fun, and you can make something for each other that you can have as a keepsake forever. 

#7. A yoga/Pilates/(insert her favorite sport here) package 

Midwest Matchmaking warning: this is not a great gift idea if the two of you don’t already share fitness as a hobby. But if you and your new partner consider yourselves pretty athletic, then gifting them with a pass to their favorite kind of workout is the perfect way to show you care. And since it’s a holiday, why not treat yourself to the same course, so the two of you can get your endorphins on together.

No matter what you decide to treat your Valentine to, the most important thing is that you made an effort — that’s the sweetest gift of all.

Are you single and alone right around the corner from Valentine’s Day? Midwest Matchmaking can help!

Contact your Des Moines matchmakers at www.midwestmatchmaking.com, and let us help you find a Valentine’s Day date that will last a lifetime. 

For you gentlemen, asking the right questions in the Des Moines dating scene can determine whether our Midwest Matchmaking clients receive a second date.  And, how clients answer the questions that are thrown back at them can have just as great an impact.  

Below are 5 of the top reasons men don’t get a second date:

#1. “There was no chemistry on the first date.”

Des Moines matchmakers advise asking questions on a first date that stir up emotion.  If you just ask questions that have a girl spitting out facts about her life, she won’t feel any connection to you.  But if you can get her emotions engaged so that she’s sharing her feelings and her emotional world with you, she’ll have a chance to feel far more connected.

So, rather than just asking basic first date questions like “What do you do for work?” and stopping there, take your questions to a deeper, emotional place.  Ask what it is about her job that she loves?  What drove her to take it in the first place?  What kind of impact does she want to make on the world, and what kind of work would she do if she didn’t have to worry about money?  Asking questions like this on a first date that get the girl emotionally engaged will help create a more solid connection.  

And keep in mind that creating an emotional connection is a 2-way street.  In addition to having her open up and share her emotional world, you will need to do the same.  Let her know what you love about what you do, the kind of impact you wish to have, etc., and she will feel as if she really knows and understands you.

#2. “He didn’t ask one question about me on the first date.”

One complaint women often have after a date is that the guy just talked about himself the whole time.  If you monopolize the conversation you run the risk of not only boring her, but making her feel like she never got the chance to speak up and be “heard”.

It can be a good idea for a first date to ask questions that get her engaged anytime you find yourself dominating the conversation.  For instance after going into a story about your own life, take a moment and ask if she has any similar or relatable experiences.  Give her the chance to talk about herself and contribute more to the conversation.  She’ll think more highly of you, and enjoy the date that much more.

#3. “He missed the opportunity to make a move.”

One little mistake can be all it takes for a girl to lose interest completely.  So if the date went well, you want to kiss her, and she’s standing there waiting for you to make a move, you have got to step up to the plate.  If you walk away, or come off weak with a question like “Can I kiss you?” you can blow that opportunity, and you may not get another one.

In situations like this you want to be the confident man who can handle the tension, uncertainty, desire, and even the fear that you might feel.  Don’t come off insecure by asking permission to kiss her, just lean in and start to go for it (but don’t go all the way, give her a chance to respond however she will).

If nothing else, express the fact that you want to kiss her as a statement, not a question.  By owning your desire and saying something like “I so want to kiss you right now” you show you are the confident, secure man women want.  (If you state your intent and she stays there holding your eye contact, you know it’s time to make your move.)

#4. “I want to date a man, not a boy.”

It’s not just the first date questions you ask that matter, but how you answer those first date questions.  A lot of guys will shape what they say to make their answers agree with whatever the woman thinks or believes.  Rather than stating his own truth, he’ll give the answer he thinks she wants to hear.

Des Moines matchmakers suggest doing this in subtle ways.  For example let’s say the girl asks if you are into country music.  You say you hate it, but then she says she loves it.  After hearing that you might start to backtrack, and suddenly remember the artists and songs that – come to think of it – are “not that bad”.

Switching sides like this is a complete turn-off for women as it shows a lack of integrity.  Women want a man they can count on, a man who stands for something – not a man who changes his thoughts and opinions in order to appease women.  So rather than agreeing with her, this would be a great time to playfully tease her for having what you consider poor taste in music.

#5. “He wasn’t confident enough.”

All this time we have been talking about first date questions you might ask the girl or the girl might ask you.  But there is another form of first date questions that is just as important – the questions you ask yourself.

If you are going through a date and constantly asking yourself questions like “Does she like me?” “Does she think I’m funny?” “What should I say/do next to get her to like me?” then you are bound for disaster.  All that worry, anxiety, and neediness is going to pour out through your body language, voice tone, and overall “vibe”.

So if you want to make sure you have a great fist date, start by getting rid of that need for her to like you.  Don’t go into your Des Moines date trying to “get” anything or needing a certain result.  Just go with the sole intention of enjoying yourself, enjoying her company, and having a fun time.  If your focus is on fun rather than seeking validation, you are both going to enjoy the date way more.  And you will be far more likely to find yourself out on a second date.

Dating in the Midwest doesn’t have to be challenging…

…But if you find yourself at a loss, contact your Des Moines matchmakers and dating coaches today at www.midwestmatchmaking.com. We will help you find the love of your life, and prep you to be your best on your first date. 

In our line of business as professional matchmakers assisting our clients through dating in Des Moines, we meet a lot of frustrated singles who can’t seem to catch a break when it comes to making a Midwest love connection. 

We hear all kinds of stories from all walks of life, particularly about them repeatedly meeting the “wrong person”. No matter what they try, they seem to end up in the same unsatisfying relationships. So, they block themselves further by assuming they’ve “settled”, and so they close off their parameters (and their hearts) even more. 

Midwest Matchmaking has collected 5 reasons why being single in Des Moines may actually be voluntary, and within your control to correct. So, if you are stuck in a cycle of bad luck in love, then read on! One (or more) of these issues might just apply to you.

#1. Being closed off to possibilities outside your comfort zone

People become so battered and bruised by negative past dating experiences that they find ways to protect their egos and self-esteem. And in doing so, they create biases that blind them to great possibilities. Clients with low self-esteem may expect very little of themselves (Self-Handicapping) and on the other hand, they may expect very little of others and therefore look down on them (Pre-Judging). In a nutshell, either the dater expects to fail, or they expect the other person to let them down.

Both of these biases lead to a lack of success dating in Des Moines and disables them from being able to truly “see” a good partner – or they lack the self-esteem to get them.

Work on healing your past and learning how to see more clearly.

Not every Midwest love connection is doomed to fail, no matter what has happened in the past. In fact, most people are decent and looking for love. Rather than expecting the worst, it is more productive to look for what is different and positive in the person

#2. Wanting what they cannot have

Many people who are single in Des Moines become addicted to the thrill of the chase in attempting to catch the person playing hard to get. They lust for those people who pay them no attention, are out of their league, are aloof, disinterested, or even dishonest.

Wanting what we cannot have is a common psychological trait that we all possess, called “Scarcity”. Essentially, we are all hard-wired to believe things that are difficult to obtain are more desirable. But this is a fallacy – your brain playing a mean trick on you.

Many singles dating in Des Moines fall for this trap by continuing to pursue those who are unavailable, mistaking this person’s disinterest for actual value. Much of this is embedded in our unhealthy egos, a lot of times tied to low self-esteem.

Give up the chase.

Realize that just because something is hard to get, doesn’t mean it is worth the effort. No one is worth chasing and convincing that you’re worthy. Find an equal who will meet you halfway.

#3. Making poor trades

All relationships are based on social exchange. In other words, beyond the feelings, we enter into relationships to trade. We meet the needs of others – and they meet ours in an equal (ish) reciprocation so that neither feels cheated. 

However, some Midwest love connections are not so balanced. Many singles in Des Moines may either sell themselves short or over-estimate their worth, asking for too much. When no one will meet their unrealistic expectations, they will undoubtedly be dissatisfied.

Honest self-appraisal.

It is important for people to know the worth of their contributions in a relationship, as well as the worth of what they desire in return. The two should be roughly equal. This does not have to be an exact tit-for-tat exchange. Nevertheless, the scales should be somewhat balanced to avoid hard feelings and relationship break-down. Relationships that are too one-sided should be avoided. Asking for far more than one is worth should be avoided too.

#4. Putting your love life into the hands of “fate”

For most people, dating is a process of trial and error. They meet a lot of different people, they learn the skills to socialize, and out of those experiences, they find one they have mutual chemistry, attraction and compatibility with. All this takes effort.

Some people dating in Des Moines, however, rely on luck, fate, or destiny. Because they believe the process is more-or-less out of their hands, they may not be building themselves up to be better people and more valuable partners. Instead, they may believe someone will simply be their “soul mate” and “love them exactly as they are”.

This mindset often leads people to be overly picky, reject good partners, and end up unlucky in love. They can also be passive in their search for love, simply taking whoever comes into their lives without qualifying them. In the end, they make poor decisions and end up swept away (then disappointed) when their lovers are not the perfect soul mate after all.

Look for a good partner, not perfection.

There are good people and bad people, and some are more fit for a relationship than others. There is not, however, a “perfect and unique fit” for each of us. The best that can be hoped for is finding a reasonably-compatible person, who will be willing to compromise and work together to build on a foundation. Yes, this is far less romantic than the fairy God mother approach, but it works. 

#5. Not having a dating game-plan

Dating is an emotional process, but it is also about finding a compatible person who is willing to work together as a team. So, as unromantic as this sounds, you have to treat dating like a job interview. Many singles in Des Moines though, go into dating without any clear goals. They allow their emotions to lead and then wonder why they don’t make progress. Sure, there is something to be said for the journey you’re on, but you need a map to help you navigate. Without direction, you may find yourself driving in circles and ending up with the same partners time and again.

Note desirable qualities and deal breakers, and do some research on how and where to find that compatible partner for you. 

Make a list if you have to about how you are going to go about your dating life, who you are looking for, and making a promise to yourself to keep an open mind and try a new approach this time around.

Are you finding yourself stuck in a rut dating in Des Moines? 

Visit us at www.midwestmatchmaking.com and let our professional matchmakers find your Midwest love connection today! 

We’ll start with the good news: Absolutely everyone has the capacity to be interesting. The bad news is, if you’re finding yourself single year after year, can’t seem to get past a second or third date, or don’t have relationships that last beyond a few months, our Des Moines matchmakers have news for you: maybe you’re just boring.

Sure, there could be other factors at play keeping you from dating in Des Moines successfully. Emotional unreadiness, lacking proper dating skills, insecurities, improper etiquette, confidence issues; the list goes on. But perhaps being boring never entered your mind.

More good news: Midwest Matchmaking says that even if you’ve lived under a rock your whole adult life, this characteristic can be changed. 

So, if you’re wanting to date exciting, fun, interesting people and build a life with one of them, you’re going to have to work on being interesting yourself. Here’s how:

Boring people lack a sophisticated sense of humor

Humor shows “cognitive flexibility”: the ability to assess an idea or an event from a variety of perspectives, and then, naturally, make light of it. Boring people lack it.

Midwest Matchmaking Tip:

If you can make people laugh, you’ll probably have an easier time picking up a date.

Boring people repeat themselves

Telling the same story over and over again is mind-numbingly dull.Try reading the news or mentally reviewing the past few hours for some new material.

Boring people are boring storytellers

To interest someone and to truly engage others, you have to be able to tell a story, and you have to care about that story. In fact, a 2016 study found that men who can tell a good story are  more attractive to women. You also have to solicit stories out of others. And you have to care about those stories. Boring people don’t have anything new to add.

Research into our brains reveals that we’re basically hard-wired to seek novelty. The conversational takeaway: If you don’t provide anything new to the listener, they’re not going to be stimulated.

Boring people have conversational imbalances

Instead of finding a natural rhythm between talking and listening, boring people are on either conversational extreme.

Quora user, Jack Bennett, calls it “asymmetry in the conversational ‘give and take’ — e.g. all listening and no talking, or all talking and no listening.”

Boring people are always negative

People who are doom and gloom are the most boring.

Des Moines matchmakers break down the Negative Nancies (or Negative Neds) into three categories:

Victim mentality: “I’m cursed. I’m so unlucky.”

Scarcity mentally: “My co-worker snatched that opportunity away from me.”

Blaming mentality: “It’s all my ex’s fault!

Boring people don’t have strong opinions

If you haven’t thought critically about the world around you, you’re not going to have much to offer in conversation. People that do not see past what they were taught to believe” are the boring ones, say our Des Moines matchmakers. These people can only offer their very localized view on a variety of topics.

Boring people have dull conversations

A “boor” is somebody who’s loud and insensitive to the social situation, but a boring person can also be overly circumspect. Where the loud bore believes they are the most interesting person there is, the quiet bore believes it’s best to never say anything. These are the local singles who reply to every inquiry with some variant of ‘I dunno, sort of, I guess.'”

Boring people are stuck in routine

Statistically, what makes a person boring is living a sedentary life without variety. Diverse experiences improve one’s conversation so that you actually have something to talk about.” Successful dating in Des Moines and elsewhere means expanding your interests. You’ll probably feel better about yourself, too, since novelty and challenge make people happier.

Boring people can’t see a different perspective

Boring people are usually those who don’t understand how the conversation is experienced from the other person’s perspective. In this way, emotional intelligence is key to conversation. This goes along with the empathy thing: If you can’t figure out that someone in the circle of conversation is feeling left out, you’re boring.

Boring people can’t improvise

If you’ve got a prepared script for every casual conversation and can’t deviate from it, you’re boring. Good conversationalists don’t have to say the right thing, they just have to say something the other person can feed off of. Conversations are like a game of catch and if you don’t throw that ball back, game over.

Boring people are monotone

A person who speaks in monotone automatically gets placed in the “boring” category.

Midwest Matchmaking says that if no one can tell your range of expression or emotion in your voice, or if they can’t tell if you’re excited about something, it’s a dull experience for those on the other end. If that’s not bad enough, speaking in monotone can make you look dumb.

Boring people miss social cues

If you’re emphatically boring, you’re probably missing the other person’s body language.

Des Moines matchmakers argue that what makes a person boring is the “continual blathering and ignoring of signals and body language that say (perhaps not loudly enough) ‘I’m not interested in what you’re saying, but am nodding every few seconds only to be polite.’”

Boring people are always bored

Boredom is a two-way street. And there is no excuse in this vast world to ever be bored. Really. Get creative. Use your brain, try new things. In 1,000,000 lifetimes, you could never experience everything this world has to offer, so get out there and become an interesting person. And, most people will feed off others’ excitement, so show some.

Are you constantly meeting boring people? Are you boring yourself and need some tips on how to not be? 

Midwest Matchmaking dating coaches and Des Moines matchmakers can help! Call our offices today at (515) 414-3536 or visit www.midwestmatchmaking.com.