How Dating Entitlement is Keeping You Single31 Oct 2018
I came across an old article I had saved about dating entitlement back in 2013, and as a professional Des Moines matchmaker, I still find it a timeless piece about how conduct very much applies both in society, but especially in romance. The title, which says it all, is “If I Can’t Accept You At Your Worst, Then Maybe You Should Stop Being So Horrible”. https://themattwalshblog.com/if-i-cant-accept-you-at-your-worst-then-maybe-you-should-stop-being-so-horrible/
I have paraphrased the important excerpts below. If you are single in Des Moines and looking for love in the Midwest, you may want to heed the advice that the author (and your local matchmakers) suggest below.
“I was reminded of a meme we’ve all seen a thousand times, which I just ran across again as I pursued my Facebook page. It has a few variations, but it usually goes something like this: If you can’t accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.
This is such a popular sentiment that it has its own Facebook fan page with over 150 thousand “Likes.” Of course, the original quote is from Marilyn Monroe:
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Yes, it’s true that, in a marriage, we must love our spouses in spite of their flaws. It’s also true that we all have flaws. But it’s ALSO true that only an entitled person would ever treat a loved one with their “worst” and expect them to deal with it because their “best” will somehow compensate for it.
Newsflash: It’s not OK to be selfish, impatient, and out of control. These traits, while common, are unacceptable. They should not be accepted, least of all by the people you claim to love. The onus is on YOU to change your behavior and your attitude, not on them to “handle it.” These will not find you your Des Moines love of your life.
This philosophy is poison. Often I hear local singles complain that they ‘just want to find someone who will accept them, no matter what.’ But being “accepted” should not be our relationship goal. Healthy relationships are loving, but also challenging, edifying, and even occasionally painful.
Should we scoff at our husbands or wives or boyfriends or girlfriends and flippantly tell them to “handle it,” as we behave in ways that will hurt and offend them?
No. And if you think that, then you shouldn’t be getting into relationships at all. You aren’t ready.
Further, does our “best” (which probably isn’t as great as we imagine it to be) make up for, or negate, our “worst”?
No. Your worst is your worst. Fix it. Be better. Nobody should have to put up with it. Least of all the people you love.
Love is a transformative force, and if you want to experience it you better be ready to change in every way imaginable. My wife does not “accept me”, and thank God for that. She challenges me. She makes me better. In other words, she loves me.
What kind of a goal is that, anyway — just wanting to be put up with? Life is not about gaining “acceptance.” Life is change. It is not static and stagnant, do you really want your relationships to be?
We don’t emerge into the world as eternally entitled princes and princesses. We come into it as naked, crying, helpless babies. Our job is to grow out of that condition. And that will take a lot of changing and a lot of learning about what parts of us are unsuitable and insufficient and unacceptable. Sadly, some of us are unwilling to endure that process, so we never grow, and in failing to grow, we fail to live.
Don’t ask anyone to “accept” the bad parts of you. Instead, strive to improve those parts. Put in the effort. Make yourself worthy of the love they’ve offered you.
That means if you want better relationships in the Midwest, you have to earn them, and be the best version of yourself you can.”
In short, hiring a local matchmaking service will only take you so far. If you are emotionally unhealthy and mishandle your relationships, you will continually find yourself single again. A matchmaker in Iowa can only do so much. If you hire a dating coach in the area, they may be able to help you move forward with a more healthy outlook on dating in Des Moines, but you will have to work at it.