10 Questions To Not Ask on a First Date20 Nov 2018
Dating coaches in the Midwest get to hear what happens on our clients’ dates – the good and the bad. The number one issue that deters these potential love connections from moving forward is conversation topics on the first date. First dates can be nerve-wracking and understandably so. However, when your nerves get the best of you, it’s easy to blurt out something weird in the heat of the moment or to ask an inappropriate question to your date.
Because of this, dating matchmakers have written a clear-cut list of dating conversation dos and don’ts.
First, one aspect you need to be very wary of on your date is only talking about yourself and completely ignoring your date. Midwest Matchmaking advises clients to ask questions that give them an open door to share more about themselves. Just stay clear of explosive and personal topics like politics, religion, and money.
Without further adieu, here are the 10 questions should you never, ever ask or discuss on date number one. Midwest singles, take heed:
1. How much money do you make?
On a first date, your respective careers are normal fodder for conversation. But asking people to reveal their salary, especially this early on, will likely be perceived as intrusive. Believe it or not, there are a lot of gold-diggers scouring the local dating scene, and if you ask this question, you will look like you have less than virtuous intentions. Even if you’re asking purely out of curiosity, says our professional Kearney matchmakers, seeking out this information may make your potential suitor doubt your intentions and relationship priorities. No one wants to feel like they’re prey to an opportunist.
2. What happened in your last relationship?
This is a first date – not an interrogation. It is normal to be curious about what went on in this person’s life before, or how many relationship skeletons they have in their closet, but now is not the time to find out these details. Asking this question early on will kill any potential love connection, because they are likely to feel judged or put on the spot. Once you build a genuine connection with this person, then ask if it’s OK to discuss these details. Besides, keep the tone of the date upbeat and positive – not for the purpose of dredging up some potentially painful memories. Is that really how you both want to spend your time?
3. Where do you see this going?
If your Midwest match is going well, it’s natural to hope that the two of you will continue seeing each other. But asking about the future of the relationship during the first date is premature, to say the least when you two have barely gotten to know each other. Professional matchmakers in the Kearney area warn that asking this so early one will no doubt make you appear desperate and needy – someone who will take whoever they can get, which shows a lack of self-esteem, impulsivity, and healthy boundaries.
4. Why are you still single?
Even if you’re going for flattery here, your Kearney love connection will likely not view this question positively. What you’re essentially implying is that something is wrong with them, and that’s why they’re still single. Or, it’s implying that being single is negative on its own – and it isn’t. Not everyone’s goal in life is to be in a relationship, and not everyone is on the same timeline. It may display ignorance and insensitivity on your part, so leave it off the table.
5. How many people have you slept with/dated/met through this local matchmaking service?
The sex question is never an appropriate question to ask someone, even within the confines of a relationship. Someone’s past is no one’s business but their own, so if you do ask this question to your Kearney date, expect not to see them ever again. As far as how many people they’ve dated, the same rule pretty much applies. If they decide to tell you of their own accord, great, but beyond that, it will make you look nosy, inappropriate and crude. On that note, our professional relationship advice suggests avoiding asking anything sexual on the first date. whatsoever.
6. Where are you really from?
Asking your date where he or she is from seems innocent enough, right? But for people of color, this is a loaded question. Even if they respond, “I’m from Minneapolis,” their response will often be met with, “No, where are you really from?” as if to imply that they can’t actually be from the country they live in. It’s OK to be curious about another’s ethnicity and heritage. However, this language implies that they are other, non-American and do not belong. The underlying message and assumption behind this question is that America is a space meant only for white skin and English speakers. In the same vein, telling people how “exotic” they look or praising them for “having good English” may be taken the wrong way. These are again, ignorant and invalidating statements that are best left in the pre-Civil War era.
7. Do you find me attractive?
“Do you like me?” “Do you think I’m handsome/sexy/adorable?” Sure, you hope your date is attracted to you, but asking this so bluntly can be off-putting on a first date. “Don’t ask questions about your appearance like, ‘Do you think I look fat?’” This might give them the impression that you are needy for reassurance and lacking in self-confidence. Plus, that’s just really socially awkward.
8. What was your most embarrassing moment?
When two people are hitting it off, they may go beyond surface-level topics of conversation ― usually a sign the date is going well. But getting too personal too quickly may put your date in an uncomfortable position and kill that love connection. You may be fine opening up about the time you had explosive diarrhea at the beach, but don’t assume your date is, or wants to hear it. That may definitely qualify as TMI, especially on date one.
9. Do you want kids?
If having kids is important to you, then finding a partner with similar family goals is probably a non-negotiable. Understandably, you don’t want to waste time on someone who doesn’t want the same things out of life that you do. But asking this before you two have gotten to know each other could be a turn-off, and make you appear desperate, and that you’re only using this person as a mean’s to an end – and not interested in them as a person – only what they can potentially give you.
10. Who did you vote for?
Especially in this political climate, all political topics should remain off the table on the first date. I know that similar beliefs and values are important to share with someone, but believe it or not, Midwest matchmakers introduce Kearney singles all the time who have differing views on politics and they make it work if the connection is right in every other way. Yes, you need to know this mindset in your partner when the time is right, but you need to get to know them first and take into account all of their qualities before sending them on their way over one that might be able to be worked through when you two know each other better, sit down face to face, and discuss your differences.