In our line of business as professional matchmakers assisting our clients through dating in Des Moines, we meet a lot of frustrated singles who can’t seem to catch a break when it comes to making a Midwest love connection.
We hear all kinds of stories from all walks of life, particularly about them repeatedly meeting the “wrong person”. No matter what they try, they seem to end up in the same unsatisfying relationships. So, they block themselves further by assuming they’ve “settled”, and so they close off their parameters (and their hearts) even more.
Midwest Matchmaking has collected 5 reasons why being single in Des Moines may actually be voluntary, and within your control to correct. So, if you are stuck in a cycle of bad luck in love, then read on! One (or more) of these issues might just apply to you.
#1. Being closed off to possibilities outside your comfort zone
People become so battered and bruised by negative past dating experiences that they find ways to protect their egos and self-esteem. And in doing so, they create biases that blind them to great possibilities. Clients with low self-esteem may expect very little of themselves (Self-Handicapping) and on the other hand, they may expect very little of others and therefore look down on them (Pre-Judging). In a nutshell, either the dater expects to fail, or they expect the other person to let them down.
Both of these biases lead to a lack of success dating in Des Moines and disables them from being able to truly “see” a good partner – or they lack the self-esteem to get them.
Work on healing your past and learning how to see more clearly.
Not every Midwest love connection is doomed to fail, no matter what has happened in the past. In fact, most people are decent and looking for love. Rather than expecting the worst, it is more productive to look for what is different and positive in the person
#2. Wanting what they cannot have
Many people who are single in Des Moines become addicted to the thrill of the chase in attempting to catch the person playing hard to get. They lust for those people who pay them no attention, are out of their league, are aloof, disinterested, or even dishonest.
Wanting what we cannot have is a common psychological trait that we all possess, called “Scarcity”. Essentially, we are all hard-wired to believe things that are difficult to obtain are more desirable. But this is a fallacy – your brain playing a mean trick on you.
Many singles dating in Des Moines fall for this trap by continuing to pursue those who are unavailable, mistaking this person’s disinterest for actual value. Much of this is embedded in our unhealthy egos, a lot of times tied to low self-esteem.
Give up the chase.
Realize that just because something is hard to get, doesn’t mean it is worth the effort. No one is worth chasing and convincing that you’re worthy. Find an equal who will meet you halfway.
#3. Making poor trades
All relationships are based on social exchange. In other words, beyond the feelings, we enter into relationships to trade. We meet the needs of others – and they meet ours in an equal (ish) reciprocation so that neither feels cheated.
However, some Midwest love connections are not so balanced. Many singles in Des Moines may either sell themselves short or over-estimate their worth, asking for too much. When no one will meet their unrealistic expectations, they will undoubtedly be dissatisfied.
It is important for people to know the worth of their contributions in a relationship, as well as the worth of what they desire in return. The two should be roughly equal. This does not have to be an exact tit-for-tat exchange. Nevertheless, the scales should be somewhat balanced to avoid hard feelings and relationship break-down. Relationships that are too one-sided should be avoided. Asking for far more than one is worth should be avoided too.
#4. Putting your love life into the hands of “fate”
For most people, dating is a process of trial and error. They meet a lot of different people, they learn the skills to socialize, and out of those experiences, they find one they have mutual chemistry, attraction and compatibility with. All this takes effort.
Some people dating in Des Moines, however, rely on luck, fate, or destiny. Because they believe the process is more-or-less out of their hands, they may not be building themselves up to be better people and more valuable partners. Instead, they may believe someone will simply be their “soul mate” and “love them exactly as they are”.
This mindset often leads people to be overly picky, reject good partners, and end up unlucky in love. They can also be passive in their search for love, simply taking whoever comes into their lives without qualifying them. In the end, they make poor decisions and end up swept away (then disappointed) when their lovers are not the perfect soul mate after all.
Look for a good partner, not perfection.
There are good people and bad people, and some are more fit for a relationship than others. There is not, however, a “perfect and unique fit” for each of us. The best that can be hoped for is finding a reasonably-compatible person, who will be willing to compromise and work together to build on a foundation. Yes, this is far less romantic than the fairy God mother approach, but it works.
#5. Not having a dating game-plan
Dating is an emotional process, but it is also about finding a compatible person who is willing to work together as a team. So, as unromantic as this sounds, you have to treat dating like a job interview. Many singles in Des Moines though, go into dating without any clear goals. They allow their emotions to lead and then wonder why they don’t make progress. Sure, there is something to be said for the journey you’re on, but you need a map to help you navigate. Without direction, you may find yourself driving in circles and ending up with the same partners time and again.
Note desirable qualities and deal breakers, and do some research on how and where to find that compatible partner for you.
Make a list if you have to about how you are going to go about your dating life, who you are looking for, and making a promise to yourself to keep an open mind and try a new approach this time around.
Are you finding yourself stuck in a rut dating in Des Moines?
Visit us at www.midwestmatchmaking.com and let our professional matchmakers find your Midwest love connection today!